I nearly went and Dishonored myself

I was totally prepared to ditch my mantra and buy Dishonored on pre order of all things. Because fuck self discipline mantras. 

But now the hot blonde at the bar promising so much that was Dishonored has turned out to be a big gross bearded woman in the grim light of day.

In researching this article, I found a weirdly large amount of celebrities shopped to have beards, which is hot, I guess?

I ask myself, is that what I want? To sleep with a gross bearded lady? No. That is absolutely not what I want. By this logic (shuddup, it totally is logic) I don't want Dishonored. 

So what fills this hole? Motherfuckin' zombies, baby. That's what fills this hole. I freakin' love zombies. In a few weeks, I'm going to hang out with a bunch of like-minded people in an industrial estate near Birmingham to shoot actors dressed up as zombies with airsoft guns because fuck actors. 

This is the cleanest thing I could get from google imaging "fuck actors".

It's obvious then, right? There's only one game to fill that hole. Get over here Dead Rising 2, you little snuggle bunny. 

On paper this game looks bad-ass. Running round and putting shit together and cutting zombies up with that put together shit. Cool, brah. 

But I've been around, I've seen things. I've played Evil Dead Regeneration on the PS2. That game sucked balls, only made worse because I love the films, and looks a lot like Dead Rising. You're a lone guy, running round, cutting zombies up with shit. And it was hella repetitive. 

And I'm scared, alright. I'm afraid. I can't take it if Dead Rising is the same level of bullshit over and over again. 

But, at just ten quid in my local store, including store credit from swapping in the rape themed Resident Evil 5, I'm gunna do it. I'm going to go cheap on this and ignore Dishonored for just a little while longer.

I'm also guna wear my red striped shirt. Bitches love red striped shirts.

Why Arkane Studios' Dishonored will ruin my life

I'll come straight out and say it. I'm a liar. I lied. To you.

When I started this blog, I wanted to stay true to my cause. To only play games that were heavily discounted at my local GameMaster because until my fan fiction of Mario boning the three boobed chick from Total Recall gets picked up by a major publisher, I can't afford to buy new games every few weeks.

(Damn right you're punching the sky, you randy little plumber)

But that was before I started getting a virtual and real life hard on for Dishonored, out on Oct 9th. Seriously, have you seen that shit? 

(Film: That shit)

The protagonist Corvo Attano is one real mean motorscooter, and in the trailer above that came out back in April he looks like the baddest sonofabitch in town. The supernatural powers he's bestowed in the chokey kinda help towards that.

Framed for the murder of the Empress, Corvo goes out and does the thing that looks so fun in games and movies but in real life leaves you looking like a real dick in the silent pub as the broken pool cue falls from your hand and everyone makes a promise they're never going to touch your little sister again, are they Carl?

That's right people, we're talking revenge. The dish best served dead. (You're welcome Arkane.)

Watching some of the level runs that have been put up on YouTube makes the steampunk world that Dishonored inhabits look like the beautifully polished offspring of Bioshock and the inside of a clock. 

The game is not open world. That kinda sucks because after Skyrim everything should be open world. But it does promise a whole heap of ways to overcome obstacles found in each level. Think Deus Ex Human Revolution. Or don't. Whatever. I'm not your mum. 

(If I was your mum, I'd be this one.)

The action relies on traditional swords and super powers like teleportation and stopping time. Hey, it doesn't redefine the stealth genre but it does promise to be adding to it pretty freakin' well. 

There's a power where you can call on rats to eat your foes. This sounds a bit too hammy to me and makes me think of some shitty Dr Dolittle-type guy running around Oldey Worldey Victorian England with a pocket full of street urchins or wherever Fagin kept those children he molested. 

(You've got to pick a pocket or...HOLY BUBONIC SHITPLAGUES!)

The other power that isn't working for me in theory is possession. This skill lets you posses animals (later people if you spend talent points in the skill) and lets you wander around in their skin like a steampunk Hannibal Lector. This is cool. I can dig possessions. I'm down with Paranormal Activity.

But in Dishonored, you can use possession as a de facto teleportation. Falling off a building? Just posses that fool on the ground and then reemerge a second later and walk away. Easy peasy and no deaths! (Except months later when the formally possessed man is found with a note after failing to reconcile the brief period where another man was deep, deep inside him.)

(Unless you posses certain people. PIC UNRELATED)

Mike you stupid drunk, that sounds awesome! I can hear you saying ineffectively at your computer screens. But the thing I don't get is, if you can posses people like that, where the fuck does Corvo's body go? Like, inside the thing he's possessing? 

What about all his weapons? Or that badass mask he wears? Do they all shrink down into the size of a rat or a fish or a bird or something? It all just feels a bit too 'you can do this, because wizards!' to me. 

If you don't understand this reference, I'm a sad panda for you.

These are only two small gripes in a game that looks to be incredible. I feel sorry for my girlfriend because she is going to be missing out on more lovin' in the week Dishonored comes out than when my old guild first started raiding Molten Core (look it up, kids).